Classic Taft

Taft was accused of a rehashed, ten year old rumor. In reply he told the story of a restaurant patron to whom a waiter had to explain that oxtail soup came from the tail of the ox. "Neighbor," the man said, "don’t you think that’s goin’ a hell of a long way back for soup?"

A news article told a Taft tale from his early days as a reporter: "There was an alleged society publication in the town of Cincinnati whose principal function was to print infamous libels on everybody who was prominent in Cincinnati. There was no use in suing it for libel, and the only remedy was to thrash the editor whenever he was to be reached. This remedy had been tried by numerous aggrieved and muscular citizens without producing the least effect. Finally the sheet published a libel on Judge Alphonso Taft, the young reporter’s father, who had been a member of Grant’s Cabinet. Taft, Jr., saw it and did not like it. He hunted up the editor and asked if he were the editor. That person admitted it. ‘My name is Taft,’ said the large young reporter, ‘and my purpose is to whip you.’ Then wherewith he drubbed the libelous editor. That person had been drubbed before, as already narrated; but the drubbing administered by Taft was so monumental, cataclysmic, cosmic, and complete that on the following day the editor suspended publication and took himself thence. Cincinnati saw him no more. As for Taft, after thus purging the community, he washed his hands, and went down to the City Hall after an item for his paper."

Even by 1905 this story was old, but as
an article that year noted, "It is such a good old
 story that it can never be printed too often":
When Taft was Governor of the Philippines he explored the mountainous islands. After a particularly arduous trip, he cabled to Secretary of State Elihu Root, "Rode forty miles on horseback to-day; feeling fine." Root wire back, "Glad you are feeling fine; how is the horse?"

Of his military service Taft said that he was "too young to fight in the Civil War and too fat to take part in the Spanish War."

A favorite Taft joke was of the girl dancing the waltz: "Momma," she said, worried, "should I
keep time with the music or with the boys?"

A newly elected President receives all
kinds of attentions, requests, gifts and honors.
 Many senders got a personal reply from
 Taft, including a Mrs. Fanny Francisco,
 of Grogan, Ohio: who found in her mail
 this item from the President-elect:
"My dear Madam,
I beg to acknowledge the receipt of your
 favor of January 9th and to thank you for
 naming your baby after me. I hope he may
 have a long and prosperous life."

When Taft toured the Democrat-dominated
 South, he was applauded and fetted
 everywhere.  At Richmond, two men who
 witnessed him speak said to each other:
"Taft is simply a bully fellow," declared one,
"He is the kind of a man you love."
 Replied the other, "You bet he is.
 But by the way, are you going to vote for
 him next time?" "Vote for him?
 Vote for him?" exclaimed the first,
 "I’d rather see him in hell first."

The City of Atlanta threw a tremendous
 "’possom" dinner, for which the Georgia
 Governor ordered that the largest specimens be
 hunted down. ’Possum turned into a theme over
 which Taft quickly tired. He was given ’possum
 banquets and huge opossums were sent to the
 White House. A man even tried to present him
 with a live one during a speech. Taft finally let it
 out that while he appreciated the ‘possum
 dinners he "doesn’t hanker for it."

People named "Taft" wrote to the new President,
 usually to celebrate in the name-sake’s
 newfound glory, but sometimes to ask a favor, a
 job, or to expound upon policy. A cousin of some
 sort from Gloucester, MA, sent a fifteen-page
 letter of distress over some legislation. Taft
 replied, "I am very sorry that you think so badly...
 If I thought it was as bad a thing as you do, I
 certainly should not advocate it; but I believe
 you are frightened with ghosts."

The day of his inauguration the city of
Washington, DC, was covered in ice. "Even the
elements protest," Taft joked.

No News Is Bad News

Presidential Examples

A reporter once asked War Secretary Taft his
 weight. "I won’t tell you," Taft replied, "But, you
 know, when somebody asked Speaker Reed
 that, he replied that no true gentleman would
 weigh more than 200 pounds. I have
amended that to 300 pounds."

On a visit to Hong Kong War Secretary Taft was
ported by coolies in a sedan chair that
 collapsed under him. The American consul
 demanded a sturdier chair. The contracted
 manufacturer voluntarily or otherwise swore to
 uphold the Secretary of War during his next
 visit: "I, the undersigned, Yu Wo... agree to
 make a sedan chair for the American consul
 general... This chair is to be used to carry the
 American giant, the Honorable William
 Howard Taft... it would obviously discredit this nation if the chair should disintegrate...
To avert international complications of this
 sort, I, Yu Wo, assert my skill as a chairmaker."

"What are you going to name it when it comes,
 Mr. President?" asked Senator Chauncey
 Depew as he patted Taft’s huge stomach.
 "Well, if it is a boy I’ll call it William," replied Taft.
 "If it’s a girl, I’ll call it Theodora. But if it turns out
 to be just wind, I’ll call in Chauncey."
 

Taft’s narcolepsy is about as famous as his oversized White House bathtub (which, legend has it -- a story your author doubts, had to be installed after he became stuck in one). He fell asleep anywhere: standing up, at church, during meetings, at the dinner table... The naps were usually momentary, and the President would generally pick up right where he left off, mid-sentence, sometimes. The disposition toward inadvertent slumber increased with his weight and anxiety, which went hand-in-hand, but it was also a tool which Taft used to keep up his workaholic pace. In 1911, amidst Taft’s usual race of New York excursions and other trips, his military aide wrote, "How Mrs. Taft stands the strain is more than I can see. The President stands it because... he has no nerves and sleeps while the rest stay awake. He has no conscience about taking naps when he is tired. If sleep overpowers him while he is talking with the Chief Justice or anyone else, he promptly closes his eyes and takes cat naps between sentences."

President Funny

After a late night dinner at the White House the
 President left his guest, Speaker of the House
 "Uncle Joe" Cannon, to receive a Senator. He
 soon returned to find the Speaker, Captain Butt
 and General Clarence Edwards smoking and
 listening to the "vitriola" record player. "The
 President at once began to waltz around the
 room by himself, and I was astonished to see
 the ease and grace with which he did it," wrote
 Butt. Cannon, whom Butt and Taft called, "The
 Evil One," jumped up and "capered around in a
 sort of ragtime shuffle." The officers kept their
 military dignity as the two most powerful men in
 the country danced about the room.

Taft's military aide, Capt. Archie Butt loved his
full dress uniform. Once, while getting a shave while wearing his gold-braided outfit, the barber
 didn’t say a word.  Finally, he could not contain
 his curiosity. Drawing his breath he spurted out,
 ‘Say boss, do yo’ mind telling me what
 band you lead?’"

Taft had no problem confronting unfriendly audiences or telling friendly audiences things they didn’t want to hear. Addressing a gathering of labor men, presidential candidate Taft said, "...as this discussion seems to involve some issue as to whether I am a deep tyrant, deep at heart an oppressor of labor and otherwise, I have got to submit evidence that I do not eat a laborer every morning for breakfast; that I am not engaged in fighting that which is the backbone and sinew of the nation, the laboring classes."

To an invitation to join a barbers’ union Taft
 replied that he wasn’t eligible, for
 "I shave myself."

With politicians Taft could be forthright -- and at times brutal. When Senator Tillman gave a speech on race issues in the U.S. and Cuba, Taft followed with a vicious cut. "My friend, the distinguished Senator from South Carolina, I have known well, have been glad to know, have been honored by his friendship, and I want to assure you that he is a good deal better fellow than you sometimes think, from what he says. He is not always one who sits and talks, thinking about the race question and that sort of thing. He does have other thoughts, but when he gets on his feet and starts on that slippery subject, it requires a good deal of force or a good deal of poise to keep him from going further than he really wanted to go himself."

On a visit to Santa Fe in 1909 Taft was
 subjected to a critical speech by Albert B.
 Fall, who told the audience not to trust the
 President’s promise to seek statehood for New
 Mexico. Taft replied with the story of a lawyer in
 court. The judge said, "I don’t care to hear from
 you, I am with you," to which the lawyer
 demanded, "It is my constitutional right to be
 heard on this motion and I propose to be
 heard." The judge cut him off again, saying, "I
 have listened to you for an hour, and despite
 what you have said I am still with you."

Speaker Cannon wanted a political appointment
 from Taft. "Now, Mr. President, let me look you
 straight in the eye and ask a favor." Taft replied,
 "Look me in the eye, always, for it makes it
 easier to deny you anything."

Cannon was bitter about a Taft initiative that the President forced on the Congress at the end of Cannon’s final days as Speaker in early 1911. A few months later Taft encountered the former Speaker at a restaurant. All but Cannon greeted the President. Taft paid him no mind and proceeded to his table. Afterwards and bolstered by drink Cannon approached the President’s table and gave an exaggerated bow. Taft looked up with complete disinterest, paused, then continued his conversation with his guests. Cannon left humiliated. Of the incident Major Butt wrote, "When the President cuts anybody, that body is cut, and there is no explanation to make. That ends it."

Western Senators who were furious at Taft’s
 land conservation policies railed at the
 President. One angrily said, "Then, Mr.
 President, as we are to understand it, you are
 going to do as you damn please without
 consulting the interests of those states mostly
 affected." Showing what Captain Butt
 recognized as "that little glint" in his eye that
 meant anger, as well as a bit of Lincoln, Taft
 calmly told the story of "cantankerous" and
 "irate" farmer who complained to the school
 teacher over a punishment his son was given.
 Said the farmer, "It appears to me that you
 expect to run this school as you damn please."
 Taft repeated to the Senators the teacher’s
 reply: "Your language is coarse, your manner
 offensive, but you have grasped my idea."

At a campaign stop a cabbage was tossed towards Taft and landed at his feet. "I see that one of my adversaries has lost his head," was his sublime retort.

"Let him wait," Taft told Captain Butt regarding
 the Austro-Hungarian Ambassador’s
 impatience over a delayed appointment. "
A man with the name of Hengelmuller should
 not want me to leave my lunch."

Taft did lack one of the primary skills of a
 politician: the ability to remember names.
 Again, it was as much because he didn’t care
 as for an inability. Besides, he grew most adept
 at sidestepping the name thing, anyway. When
 he was Secretary of War he greeted White
 House visitors in a receiving line. Captain Butt
 asked a man for his name in order to present
 him to the War Secretary. The man refused,
 stating he and Taft were old friends and there
 was no need for introduction. The Captain
 insisted, without success. Meanwhile, the line
 progressed, and Taft found himself facing a
 stranger. Taft looked pleadingly at the Captain,
 who could only shrug. Seeing that the situation
 was helpless, Taft reached his hand out high
 and sweepingly drove it down and firmly into the
 stranger’s hand. Then he turned to his wife and
 said, "You remember our dear old friend here,"
 and before Mrs. Taft could say anything to the
 contrary, Taft had moved the man past him and
 was on to greeting the next person in line.
 Impressed by the magnanimous greeting, Mrs.
 Taft asked who he was. Taft replied, "My
 darling, I have not the faintest idea who he is,
 but I saw he was an intimate friend by the way
 he stood poised on one foot waiting to be
 recognized." Later, the unidentified man
 approached the Captain and proudly said, "I
 told you there was no need to present me!"

Butt wrote that when Taft calls someone "Old
 man" or "Old boy" it meant that he had no idea
 who the person was. "He makes great use of a
 slap on the back, a confidential push, and
 always in evidence is that broad genial smile
 which simply envelopes one."

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